On Men, Suicide and Mental Health. Warning!! Might. Be. Triggering

Eighteen years ago I lost one of my three elder brothers to suicide. It was a Tuesday morning when I got the Call from my eldest brother. He called me on my friend's Phone because I had put off my phone trying to block out the noise of the world. Something I used to do occassionally...  

The night before this call, I had texted my eldest brother Cobz off my friend's phone informing him to reach me through her if he or any family member needed to. It was as if my spirit new that night, that I would need to be reached out to with some big news... But nothing could have prepared me for what was to come. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hello

Cobz: Hi... Good Morning, Your phone is off.   

Me: Yes it is.

Cobz: Why is it off?

Me: Because I don't want to be bothered, now why are you calling me this early in the morning? 

(It was about 7:15 am, as we were still asleep and had been woken up by this call)

Cobz: Simon is dead... Pause... Simon is dead

Me: Which Simon? (Gripped by confusion and anxiety as I sat upright in my bed)

Cobz: (Visibly getting agitated on the other end of the line) Simon our Brother is dead. And you need to come home (I was at Uni at the time). The driver will be coming to pick you up so we can travel to Fort Portal for Burial.

Me: (Still confused and shaken) How did he die??

Cobz: He committed Suicide.

Me: How?? 

Cobz: (sounding even more agitated and raising His voice at me) He Hung himself.

Me: Okay. He is really dead. (I said this as I took a deep breath and sighed relief)

I was relieved because I felt a sense of Peace for my Brother Simon. He had finally rested and found peace. 

You see, This was not the first time he had attempted suicide; It was the third. And this time, he was successful. 

Growing up, My brother Simon was my best friend. We were close because I came right after him (in birth), and although we had a five year age difference we were partners in crime. He was very protective of me and I always felt safe around him. He defended me from bullies, taught me how to play soccer, made me do stretch exercises to make sure I was flexible, taught me how to defend myself in fights etc. He was the kindest most generous person you'll ever meet. He had a special heart for wanting to help, save people and save the world. Our home was filled with stray rescue animals that he had rescued. We literally were Old Mcdonalds Farm Thanks to Simon. We had rescued dogs, Cats, pigeons, rabbits etc. It was indeed a sight to behold. And my parents were always patient with his shenanigans and indulging him, contributing to the rescued animals feeds etc. 

When My friends visited, I'd sit to chat with them, but Simon would go to the kitchen and fix them something to eat. That is the kind of person he was..... When Stable. 

There was another side to Simon, The depressed side. This is when he would hate the world, talk about death like it was an aspiration, act out, lash out and just be a big menace. 

At first we didn't understand him. To be honest, we never really fully understood him. So he took to drugs to numb the feelings and give him a high. This, as you can imagine didn't go well with my parents and neither did it help resolve whatever feelings he was experiencing. He was a teenager at this point, so his drug use was attributed to adolescence and being stubborn. But no school punishment or prayers from reverands or reprimand at home could really get him to change his "ünbecoming behavior" as we knew it.

Until, he was sent to rehab. Through this experience, we discovered he was Bi-polar in 1999.  But as You can imagine at that time, mental health was a mystery, and not something anyone talked about openly or freely. We as a family didn't even understand what the word Bi-polar means. 

Simon went through a series of treatments from prescription meds for mood management to therapy etc. But, he would get well for a time, and then he would  relapse, and this felt like a never ending roller coaster.

He attempted suicide the first time and recovered. He wasnt too amused that he had survived it. So about two years later he attempted the second time, by jumping out of a high building. He survived it once again. 

Many times he would talk to me about wanting to die and I would talk him out of it.  I was a young girl in my early teens so i too didn't rerally understand mental health as a thing, I just knew my brother was unusual and he woukd have prolonged moments of sadness and I felt it was my job to encourage him and help him see the positive side of life. But looking back now and knowing what I know now, I see I was way in over my head. 

On the fateful day; he informed the people around him that he was going to take his life. They called his bluff. They learnt the hard way that he doesn't make empty threats. He asked one of my cousins for her phone to call me and she didn't let him use her phone. To this day, I ask myself what he wanted to tell me; I also feel like perhaps, I'd have once again talked him out of taking his own life. But I didn't get to talk to him so I will never know. He left no suicide note. What we know is that he said he was going to take his life and he was tired of this miserable world and went away into his room. No one followed him, no one went to check a few minutes later because they thought he was just being dramatic or having one of his hyper episodes. Until Hours later, they went to his room to call him for dinner and found him dead.

I

It has taken me 18 years to confront this experience as I never fully grieved that loss, it felt unreal and too painful to comprehend. 

This Month is Men's Mental health month and I thought, what better way to honor my brother's short but impactful life by using his story to shed light on a plague that eats up men in society today. 

Mental Health. 🧠

Men are raised to be strong, provide, protect, keep showing up. 

They are told: "Men don't Cry". Where do men go when they struggle? Women have their girlfriends, aunties, mothers, church, mothers union, Faith etc. I am not saying women's mental health struggles are not as serious, but as a woman I know first hand we have better support systems and communities of women who are willing to listento our rants, encourage us and support us.

Men on the other hand, are not even encouraged to speak up when they're struggling for fear of appearing weak or less than. So they suck it up, crumble under pressure and turn to the bottle, some become violent, for my brother Simon it was narcotics. Statisctics tell us that men suicide rate is four times higher than among women. That statistic is very telling.  

As a society we have not done enough to support men when it comes to their mental health. I am glad we are in an era where we can now discuss mental health,  raise awareness and be more supportive of men. 

Men; You do not have to suffer in silence or suffer alone. Speak up, get help. 

Women; Check in regularly on the men in your lives, and when they open up, don't use their struggles as bait or against them. (This is something I discovered women do after speaking to some male friends in my cicles. 

This is one of the reasons most men don't feel safe opening up to their significant others about their struggles.)

As a people we need to be more intentional about creating Psychological safety for the men in our society.

As I conclude; Let us all extend Grace to each other, be less judgemental and more kind to each other because we really really never know what someone is going through or battling with.

Here are some Mental health Helplines for Uganda: Mental health Uganda Toll free: 0800212121 

Other Mental Health Support centers you can reach out to include: 

Minet Uganda, Safe Places Uganda, Malachite Center

May All the Souls we've lost to Suicide Rest in Peace. May Simon's Soul Continue to Rest in Peace.

Love Always

Diane Kateeba