The simple life: As it should be

I recently took some time off, to reflect and also go on a mini vacay to Mt. Gahinga seeing as things had gotten a little hectic in my life. This vacay couldn't have come at a better time seeing as I was in a transition process in my life. I have been working on a few projects which I will be sure to let you in on as they unfold. So that explains why I have been quiet for a while... There I go again, rumbling.

Now on to the real reason for this post. My holiday was such a humbling experience, and here's why: I met the Batwa people. For those who don't know the Batwa, Here is a brief history:

Batwa Heritage Experience at Gahinga

"The Batwa of Uganda were forest dwellers who lived by gathering and hunting as the main source of food. They are believed to have lived in the Bwindi Impenetrable and Mgahinga National parks that border Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) and Rwanda living mainly in areas bordering other Bantu Tribes.

In 1992, the lives of the Batwa pygmies changed forever. The Bwindi Impenetrable Forest became a national park and World Heritage Site to protect the 350 endangered mountain gorillas within its boundaries. The Batwa were evicted from the park. Since they had no title to land, they were given no compensation. The Batwa became conservation refugees in an unfamiliar, unforested world. Through the Batwa Experience, more can be known about the Batwa of Uganda.

They now live in communities where they have been resettled by NGOs in Uganda." (excerpt from Wikipedia) 

My life changed the day I met these people and here's why. These people used to live in the forest, but were displaced by Uganda Wildlife Authority (UWA) because they were trying to preserve the forest and the Mountain Gorilla in it's natural Habitat. Stephen, A mutwa we met expressed his disappointment with this displacement as he said they had no issues cohabiting with the animals in the forest. They had now been displaced and were being forced to adapt a new lifestyle that is considered by us to be more "normal". Except to the Batwa there is nothing normal about going to school, working to get paid so you can buy food. All of this is quite foreign to them seeing as the life they know is about going out to hunt, gather some fruits in the forest and that's all they need to be happy. When I spoke to Stephen on whether he would be happier going back to live in the forest as opposed to the new lifestyle they had been provided by the NGO's he replied with a strong YES! And so I thought to myself, "this man is crazy". Why would anyone want to live in the forest, with no internet, no phones, no fancy clothes or restaurants, Just really live on the basics of life.

The Batwa Entertaining us through dance at Gahinga

Then it hit me, I had it all wrong this whole time. The simple things are all one needs to be happy, but so often we look to the material things, the fancy things and think they will give us happiness, but no happiness from having the latest gadget can compare to the happiness that lit up Stephen's eyes at the mere thought of going back to the simple life. He just wasn't about that fancy life. He just wanted to be in the forest, make a fire using sticks, go hunting, and gather some herbs, come home to his wife and children and have some bonding time over dancing and singing. They did entertain us, and i must admit they are quite enjoyable people to live around. They are very warm and welcoming, despite their troubles, they smiled for us all the time, and didn't get tired of answering all the questions we had about their lifestyle. It was such a surreal moment, as I felt like I had been taken back in time, and living the history I always read about in the books. Oh the simple life. But not us, we are not like the Batwa. 

A twa woman in her natural Habitat ( straw house)

We don't want the simple life. We spend our days doing everything we can to make the most money we can, and then spend all of it on things that eventually don't even bring us the happiness we were looking for. We need to go back to the basics. Appreciate the simple things about life. I have never felt more loved and welcome, yet I was living among strangers. We live in a city that's overly populated, and yet we rarely come into contact with the people we know. Something happens in your neighbors house and you find out about it on The 9:00 O'clock news because his gate is so high up, and he has five security dogs, whatever happened to our culture of sitting around the fire, telling stories, and bonding with our peers and elders. It's no wonder the world has gone kukus today, with children lacking morals, knowing nothing about their history and culture and thinking it's the cool thing to do. I wept for my unborn children, for the confused world they will be born into. Will they ever know the simple life? I wonder... I do hope though that when the time comes, I will have enough time for them, to tell them about who they are, where they come from so that they not only become a part of their heritage, but also know that they belong and be proud.

Till Next time

Xo

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• Uganda's Batwa Reclaiming their Ancestral Forest as Tour Guides
• The forgotten People. The Batwa of Uganda a business community for the NGO's.
• UWA commissions a shorter Batwa Trail in Mgahinga Gorilla National Park

I am Beautiful

So Lupita Nyong'o Was named Most beautiful Woman in the world by people Magazine, and the world went into a frenzy. The other day as I was driving to work, listening to the radio and Fatboy was enraged that Lupita was named Most beautiful. Reason for his outrage? He doesn't think shes's beautiful let alone the most beautiful, and so people were calling in and giving their reactions and much to my amazement even some women were calling in to agree with fatboy that Lupita isn't beautiful and that the only reason she was on that cover is because of some conspiracy theory of sorts.......

Think on that for a moment.....

I am APPALLED that a woman would want to bring another woman down. This is what is wrong with the world today. I had this conversation with a few guys and some of the opinions shared sent me into an even bigger frenzy. When I asked one why he didn't think Lupita was beautiful he answered "she's too skinny" and when I asked him if he thought Angelina Jolie was beautiful he said "of course!!!". And then I said "but she's skinny too" to which he replied "that's different." I asked him why the same criticism that he applied to Lupita suddenly changed when I asked about Jolie and he's response was "because Lupita has a regular look"

SO... Here is my question: What is wrong with having a regular look?  Since when does being regular mean am not beautiful??

To another friend when asked why he didn't think Lupita was beautiful, he said "maybe if she had long hair" so I figured he's into long hair so I asked him if he thought Amber Rose was beautiful and to my surprise he said yes. When I asked why he thought she was beautiful with short hair and Lupita wasn't he said "she's different." Am I the only one seeing this double standard the world has for what is beautiful and what's not? Like I must be skinny, or light, or blonde or have long hair or whatever other scales have been put up to measure beauty. This is why there are too many young girls struggling with anorexia, too many women having unnecessary plastic surgeries to make themselves look more beautiful because the world says your nose must look a certain way, or your hips shouldn't be wide and whatever other conditions we have put to beauty.

I think Lupita is very beautiful and every girl is beautiful.

When I was in my early teens I was very skinny and I was always criticized for being too skinny. Then Puberty hit and I gained a few pounds and I was criticized for having a huge behind. When I went to college the stress of studying caught up with me and I lost weight and again people criticized me for loosing weight and they thought I was becoming a health hazard to myself. My point here is you can never win this battle with the world. There will always be someone prettier, skinnier, taller, have longer hair, have wider hips. But just because someone else is prettier doesn't mean you are not beautiful. Hence the saying, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who knows her flaws, accepts them and loves them. I have a very tiny waistline and some people call me a wasp. But I embrace it. I believe it makes me all the more beautiful. So what If you are different? that is what makes you beautiful, and so what if you are "regular" you are still beautiful.

 The best way to overcome all these pressures is to Love yourself first. Every girl is beautiful. Regular or not.

Being feminine alone is beautiful, so I say be comfortable in your own skin, Love your nose, small waistline, and wide hips. Love your short hair, and long legs, what matters is how you see yourself, If you think you are beautiful one day the world will come to see what you see in yourself and set the standard. Just wait, soon there will be a Lupita inspired look. Alek Wek beat the odds, and now Lupita has followed suit. Don't ever let anyone tell you, you are not beautiful enough and you take their opinion. After all, its just that, an opinion. Not a fact. So embrace your beauty and Love yourself.

Here's to Lupita and every other woman who struggled with accepting their flaws, had insecurities, and still beat the odds because she understands that she's still beautiful.

Below is the video of Lupita meeting her Beauty Role model Alek Wek. Very inspirational. Enjoy:

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Proudly Ugandan

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. ~ Maya Angelou

I love Maya Angelou, I love everything about her, but mostly I love her for this quote. You see they recently signed the anti-Pornography bill that among other things prohibits us from wearing minis. This kind of takes me back to when I was growing up and my mum told us stories of the Amin regime. HE also banned the mini skirt and they only wore maxis that they called "Amin nvaako" loosely translated as "Amin Leave me alone". I used to laugh at those stories as I tried to picture how ridiculously Idle that dude must have been, and now it has become my reality. You see, the other day a lady was brutally undressed because she was wearing a mini skirt, and no one came to her rescue. Not even the police that pledges to serve and protect. The president went to the bush and fought for our freedom, only for it to be recalled and taken away by the same people who claim to be reserving it. 

Another bill was passed. The Anti- Homosexuality bill. It has gotten so much uproar that I can't even dissect it any further.  My thing is this, all this talk and opinions about the bills, and yet again we fail to see the reality of our situation. We are bothered about the minis and yet we forget the children suffering at the mulago cancer ward, the millions of women suffering from domestic violence, the millions of people dying from HIV/ AIDS, the poor people in northern Uganda that are still struggling to get their lives back. When did we become this petty? All we know how to do is complain, and be sarcastic asking the government to help us "tusaba gavumenti etuyambe". When will we wake up and realize the government is not going to help us? The government is too busy buying Ipad's for the MP's and giving them allowances for training on how to use them. While you ramble and whine about the mini- skirt bill, the President is being endorsed for the 5th Term, and yet see where our priorities lie. 

How shallow are we as Ugandan's that we can't even see how deep the ramifications of our grumbling and doing nothing are affecting our society. All we know to do is make the loudest noise and then move along to the next scandal, and don't we just love Uganda? there is always the next scandal.  There are homeless street kids, pot holes everywhere you turn, dying mothers in labor because they had no transport to the nearest health center, and when they got to the health center, there was no doctor or there were no drugs and the list goes on and on, but we are bothered about wearing minis.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that USAID will not solve our problems any more than the government will. No one is going to solve those problems, for us but us. SO instead of complaining about what the government hasn't done, or is doing wrong, Get off your lazy self-centered asses and  do something about it. Ask yourself what have you done to help your neighborhood orphanage, or health center. Better yet, what is your role as a Ugandan to see that you make it the country you would love to live in. Instead of telling us how embarrassed you are to be Ugandan, Mind you being embarrassed wont make you American any more than it will make you white. Embarrassed or not, you are still African, Ugandan, and you cant change that the blood flowing through your veins is Ugandan, Your roots are Ugandan. If your idea of changing the world is saying "I am embarrassed to be Ugandan "then I weep for you, your children, and your children's children". Get up, do something about it, words without action are meaningless, If you are not going to do something about it then SHUT UP. Yes I said it. Instead of giving us your opinion of Uganda, tell us about what you have done or are doing to make Uganda/Africa better for your future children. I am proud to be Ugandan, regardless of all the flaws it has, it's the only place I call home.

P.S Shout out to +Kemiyondo Coutinho , +evelyn karungi , +Nina Ainembabazi  and the few youth that have tried to make a difference in society. They have expressed their opinions through actions that aim to change society for the better. Your work though small, goes a long way in showing that there is still hope. All is not lost.

For God and My country

Wondering what they have done? follow the links below

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/kawuna-you-re-it

http://support.keepachildalive.org/site/TR?type=fr_tribute_fund&fr_id=1070&pxfid=1930&action=reply&parentid=7180&return=rlst&bpg=post&bpg=post&pg=fund

http://hugstronger.org/undergrad-doing-good-nina-ainembabazi/

Till next time,
Diane Kateeba

Till Divorce do us part

     So Yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend about how Deitrick Haddon divorced his wife and married someone else a few months after their divorce. When he married this new wife of his, they had a one year old child. Now most of you are wondering why this was a topic of discussion or why it would even raise my eye-brows, but that’s because you probably don’t know that Deitrick Haddon is a pastor. More than that he and his now ex-wife were successful gospel artists. Not just that but they were also somewhat a role model couple for this day and age where marriages can’t seem to last a minute and theirs lasted a whole 15years.

Cause of divorce? The wife “allegedly” cheated on him with another gospel artist who I will not mention because this post is not about him. I say “alleged” because she is yet to issue an official statement on whether the allegations are true or false. A year later, she is till silent about it, and yet the ex-husband keeps going on and on about it. But, again; that is not the point of this post. So you’re wondering what am bickering on about? Well here it is. While I was alarmed that a pastor would divorce his wife, my friend’s reaction couldn’t even be more alarming. His brilliant response was “what did she expect? She cheated!” ‘how about judgement forgiveness’ I thought to myself

Appalled by his judgement, I asked him “do you consider yourself a Christian?” and sadly he said yes. I say sadly because it’s saddening that a Christian would jump to passing judgement or punishment for another person’s crime forgetting that their own sin and judgement would be greater If God didn’t have mercy on them. It’s so easy to identify ourselves as Christians and yet not as easy to be Christ like. You see we forget that the reason we are Christians is because we are saved by Christ, and are called by God to be like Christ. That means forgiveness, loving one another and understanding that we are all sinners and we would all perish but for the grace of God that He accorded to us through Christ, that while we were still sinners He died for us.

Now don’t get me wrong, am not here to give a sermon. That is not my intention and neither is it the point of this post. My point is this, I don’t believe in divorce. And contrary to what the world has made us believe, God hates divorce. Now my friend kept arguing that the Bible allows divorce under the circumstances that the wife cheats on her husband a Man is allowed to grant his wife a certificate of divorce. While this may be true, the verse after adds that if you divorce and go on to marry another, you commit adultery, which in my opinion makes you no different than your significant other who you divorced for cheating. As difficult and impossible as it may seem, God wants you to be able to forgive your spouse, yes even when they have cheated and work it out. That’s why it’s till death do us part, not till infidelity do us part. I have always said if you don’t have the heart for it, don’t indulge!! I see people raising their eyebrows like “what is she on about” and to you I will say this, If God had thought divorce is as okay as we make it, He wouldn’t tell Hosea whose wife was not only unfaithful, but turned into a prostitute, to go back to her and not just forgive her, but also pay her bride price again and take her again as his wife. Keep in mind Hosea was no Jesus. So tell me, if Hosea could forgive his wife for becoming a prostitute, why can’t a pastor who is supposed to live by example, the gospel he preaches of forgiveness, grace and second chances, forgive his wife for allegedly cheating? And If Christ who was without sin can forgive us all of our sin; even forgive those who crucified Him, why then is it so hard for sinners to forgive fellow sinners? I will tell you why, because it’s easier to be a Christian than it is to actually be Christ like.

I see the critics telling me not to judge, but am not judging, and neither am I condoning the infidelity, but you see, being a Christian is more than having a happy and perfect life because we are imperfect and are only made perfect in God’s love. Its choosing the difficult way out so as to fulfil God’s will. It’s forgiving when someone doesn’t deserve it, Loving when they are not worthy, turning the other cheek even when it would be more humanly fulfilling to hit back, its humility, its grace, its patience, kindness and perseverance because It’s through our trials and testing of our faith that God’s mercy, power and grace are manifested. Divorce is saying “I want what’s best for me” and not “am trusting God to accomplish his will for me.” Anyway this is a sensitive subject but know this, when you divorce you are not only breaking the vow to your spouse, you are also breaking the covenant you made with God.

May God continue to guide us as we walk in His path, as He did say that it wouldn’t be easy but that He would provide for us a means to overcome the obstacles of the world. May we not conform to the ways of the world, but may we instead be transformed in the renewing of our minds.

Here is to a divorce free generation...

Till next time

XOXO

When silence speaks loudest

      Some times in life, We go through moments where you feel like you need to be heard, because you know the truth, and you would like for the world to know the truth. So you try to talk to whoever will care to listen with the hope that the will hear your truth, and when they don't you get even more frustrated and try to get even louder just so you can be heard. I've been going through something similar, till I got tired of explaining myself, and trying to make people understand my truth that I decided to just stay silent. Whenever the subject came up, my response was simply: NO COMMENT!!! 

And what do you know, as sure as the sun sets in the evening, the truth can't be hidden forever. You can sugar coat it, twist it, over look it, ignore it, It will not change. The bottom line will still remain as the truth; And it always manifests when you least expect it. I've since discovered that you don't always have to speak out or be loud to get the truth out. On the contrary

"sometimes being loud silent is the only way to speak the truth"

You know that saying " silence is golden"

I have since discovered a treasure in silence because Sometimes 
words 
simply cannot capture the subtle nuances of your feelings. In such
 times its better to avoid being verbally misunderstood, by letting the 
silence speak through your eyes, your breathing, your posture.

Yes!! It works.. Silence speaks volumes. Silence sometimes says "I need some

 peace and calm; It can also say, I cant be bothered with the world, or am in 
awe or better yet, I know the truth, so i don't have to embarrass myself 
arguing with ignorance.

Nothing spoken, and yet so much perceived from just a sigh, a smile, a tear in
 silence.

So the next time you are faced with a situation and you don't want to argue 
because you know the truth, don't compromise your integrity, just be silent 
and smile. Arguing won't get you any further than it will alter the truth. 
In the end, it always unfolds and will set you free.... so Hush 

Its the simple things...

In life, sometimes we tend to focus on the bigger things... we measure our success by how rich we are, how famous we are, or popular we are. We accord too much importance to the material things, and we forget that they perish, and can be replaced. I mean lets face it, There will always be someone more popular, richer, prettier, name it. The trends will always change so no matter what you do or try to hold on to them, they will never stay the same. We often forget to appreciate the little things that count. The ones we don't ask God for and He just gives us through grace... The air we breathe, the eyes that see, a mouth that speaks, the sun setting in the sky... those annoying siblings that we love to hate.... 

My beautiful Ariella

So today, my post is not going to be about some inspirational message... am just taking some time out to appreciate God for the simple things:

The nieces and god-children

The ones who lift you up when you need it....

 

The Post grad friends

 

The old school friends....

  

The ones you cant describe

 

the crazy cousins

 The ones who are Divas  

The ride or die family....

 

The friends turned family

 

The Childhood friends...

 

The cousins that make you feel cool

 

The friends you love to hate

 

The friends that defy the distance...

 

Annoying friends you cant live without

 

the Cousins

 

workmates turned friends

 

My silly friends

 

My Job

 

My awesome Workmates 

I Have a lot to be grateful for, A life that is full of love, God that always has my back, a loving family, awesome friends and my job that I love to hate. Often I over look these simple things and yet at the end of the day nothing makes me smile like knowing how blessed I am to be me. Take a moment and count your blessings... CheersXoXoTanya Love

Live the life you love....

A few principles I live by...

Wake Up. Live the Life You LOVE!!!!

Be happy in all circumstances. Love life; give without expecting anything in return

Define what success means to you by asking yourself: what do I want from life??

Decide what kind of person you want to become and do whatever it takes to become that person.

Know exactly what it is you are looking for.

Define success in terms of: spiritual success, mental success, physical success and financial success.

Remember that Success is a journey, not a destination. So take time to enjoy the journey.

Find your purpose in life.

Remember we only live once, so enjoy life

Do what you love, but don’t be selfish. Share your gift and purpose.

Focus your thoughts and intentions on loving and serving others. Make giving more important than receiving.

Draw up a plan to succeed. Be adaptable because change is inevitable.

Be determined to overcome the obstacles.

Learn the value of your health.

Have a close and fruitful relationship with GOD!!!

Be optimistic, Positive and enthusiastic.

Treat every task as though your life depended on it and be determined and creative.

Do whatever it takes.

Keep promises.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Approach all obstacles with determination.

Remember losers quit when they are tired. Winners quit when they have won.

HAPPY LIVING J

Tanya Love

Moving with my cheese

“I will give this people favor in the sight of the Egyptians: and it shall come to pass, that, when you go, you shall not go empty.” Exodus 3:21:


This year has been somewhat a roller coaster, so much has happened that I didn't foresee or plan for. The latest being my transfer to our International Resource center. Well, when I first got the news, I had mixed feelings. Don’t get me wrong, am all for change, but for this particular change I had my reservations because of the circumstances leading to the transfer.

It’s complicated, but sometimes you go through something terrible to bring you to something amazing. It’s been a tough couple of months at work and for one reason or another, let’s just say I was beginning to second guess my career path, and then the transfer came and I started to evaluate if the hustle was necessary, If I wanted to keep fighting, and if any of it was really worth it. I decided to take time off and think it through because whatever choice I made at this point was crucial to the future of my career. I did have a choice to turn it down and stay where I was and naturally that was my first choice. You see we humans don’t really like change; especially if it’s imposed on you and I am no exception.

While I was still struggling with the decision, I remembered a book I read titled “who moved my cheese” and just to summarize, it’s about a rat that refuses to move with the cheese when the cheese moved and by the time it realized the cheese was never coming back, it was too late and it was starving to death. On the other hand, there was a sister rat that decided to move when the cheese moved and found new cheese and as you can imagine, there wasn't any starving there. Surprise!  As I took my vacation, it all came to me like a revelation of sorts, Imagine if the Israelis had stayed in Egypt; they would never have enjoyed the fruits of the Promised Land, and would still be slaves as we speak.  So why was I fighting the move from Egypt to the Promised Land? Because I had made my peace with being a slave in Egypt and I wasn't ready to move to Canaan just yet. Egypt had become familiar and even comfortable. I had made a home and even stared a family in Egypt, and really being a slave wasn't the worst thing to be or so I thought to myself, so I counted my blessings. You know that saying “better the devil you know…” yes? Well me too. I was contemplating staying married to the devil I was accustomed to because it felt safer dealing with the one I knew rather than the one I had no idea about. I really didn't want to start afresh, feel like the new kid all over again. I had just gotten over that.

  As the saying goes, “we plan, God laughs” It was time to move to Canaan. And we all know God’s timing is the best timing. So even if am not so sure about this move, I am sure of one thing, the will of God will never take you to where the grace of God will not keep you. My faith is in God so I know I’ll be good anyway, anywhere. Yes I trust Him completely; after all He did bring me into this world. Besides, it’s near home which means I get an extra hour of sleep, my fuel consumption has been reduced by half, and we are still in the recession so that comes in handy.  Yes this time I am choosing to move with my cheese.  I’m really looking forward to my new office, desk, workmates and surroundings.  So here’s to longer sleeping hours, less fuel consumption, new beginnings and finding new cheese.  Raising my glass to a toast J “Cheese” to the Promised Land!!!

xoxo

Tanya Love

I will Marry When I want!

So Yesterday on my way out of office, I bumped into a cousin of mine and as you can imagine, we began catching up and the conversation led to a wedding she had missed that I had attended the previous weekend. As I went on and on about how lovely the wedding was her face fell a little and I was triggered to ask what was wrong.
"People keep asking me when am getting married, and now even my boss has started hinting that I need to get married soon" she said. I laughed so hard only to realize she was staring at me puzzled, probably wondering what was so hilarious that i cracked up even harder. "I get that all the time" I replied. Which led her to asking me what I do when am asked that dreadful question. See here is the thing, I have nothing against marriage, but it has become such a duty that the thrill to even indulge is almost non existent.

 You see when you are a girl my age, and are done with school, have a job, you become prone to these types of questions. Whenever you are at a wedding its always "when is yours" or "Where is the Man in your life" or right out "when will you get married? you won't be young and beautiful forever you know"; I've had some Aunts even go a step further and try to hook me up and some of my mother's friends always hinting about their single son. It's sickening and ridiculous. There is more to me than just wifely duty. Now don't get me wrong I have nothing against marriage, but how many people really understand the dynamics of marriage before they indulge.
I happen to think it's a lot to take on, especially for the woman. It starts by losing your name, then becoming a housekeeper, friend, confidant, cook, companion; then you become a mother. And all your needs go out the door, it's all about the Hubby and the Children, have they eaten, have they slept, have they slept well, are they comfortable, are they happy and the list goes on and on. Now usually when am asked that question my response is  "When I decide to give up my identity",but really am thinking to myself, how rude!!! And how dare you ask me when am getting married without even considering my thoughts on marriage in the first place. Did I say I want to get married? I mean who said it is a must to get married, last I checked the Bible said if you can't abstain then please get married. No where does it say that If a woman is not married she will be put to death? So why does the world make all these outrageous assumptions on whether or not I should be married.

What I find even more puzzling is that the same people that pressure you into getting married will be the same that will mock you when it blossoms  goes down the drain! The way I see it there ain't no winning. It's either, "she's a failure she can't even find a man to marry her" or She's a failure she couldn't even keep her  marriage from falling apart, the man is always stepping out on her". You Just never win with these people. I have always said I would rather be single and happy, than be married and wish I were single. At least then I know it's just me rather than have someone and live as if I were single. The result is the same except one is happy, the other wishes they were happy.
Am not saying marriage is hell, and it's miserable, I have seen marriages that have blossomed, are full of love, affection and respect for each other, My parents for example, they make it look so easy. On the other hand; I have seen marriages do a 360 turn around and be the exact opposite of marital bliss. So if you have the strength, heart and courage for it, by all means; indulge. But don't make it a requirement to rectify my existence. If you want to get married, go ahead, just don't force it to be my priority.
I happen to think am enough at least for now, and I still need time to get the right frame of mind for marriage. For one it requires a lot of patience, and it's no secret that patience is not my virtue. I am however brilliant enough to know that God is still working on me before he can hand me over to be a burden to someone else. For now am still his burden till he decides otherwise.
So, I don't necessarily need a man to make me happy. Am already happy, if he can maintain my happiness well and good, we shall indulge, if he is going to come and turn my life around, take away from my happiness, then no thanks; I will not partake. I see some of you raising your eyebrows, "she's a bitter one" you say to yourself. "she will calm down". I am not about to calm down!!! I will have you know I have not lost hope in love and neither am I bitter. I just have so much respect for that covenant of God, that I will not just walk down the isle because someone proposed and I want a wedding, No. I will walk down that isle when the time is right, the feeling is right and the person is right.

 We have too many people rushing into that institution, and rushing to get out. Why? because they didn't take the time to understand the duties they were taking on. So I will not be another statistic. You see its not just about two people making promises to each other, to stay together forever. It's the man, the woman and God. YES; GOD!!! When you break that covenant, you are not just breaking a promise to your significant other, you are also betraying God's covenant. So rather than abuse God's sacred institution, until I am ready physically, emotionally and psychologically;  I will maintain my stand.
 I will get married when God decides its right, When I feel it's right and when I think he's right. Until then, am happy with the way my life is, being unmarried isn't the worst of things, and being married isn't the best of things. Whichever way my life turns out I will be happy, because I am complete in the way I was created. I am enough. You're wondering what am mumbling about? Am simply saying: I WILL MARRY WHEN I WANT!!!!

XoXo
Tanya Love

Taking back my love

They warned me about you, but I didn't listen, they told me you were an ass, I said "he just needs to be loved", they told me you were no good, I said " I will love him anyway", they told me you're just gonna use me and leave me, I said "I will take that chance", they told me you didn't care about me, I said " you don't see what I see in him", you told me you were broken, I said, "I will love him beyond his brokenness" because that's what love does, It makes you see beyond the physical, the damage, the brokenness. It says, I see the good in you, I see the best in you, even when you fail, I will still believe in you. And so I loved you....

 I loved your broken soul, I loved you when you were happy, I loved you when you were sad, I loved you when you were sick, I loved you when you ignored me, I loved you when you were happy to hear from me. And when you stopped replying my texts, or were too busy to take my calls, I loved you even more because  my love for you is unconditional. Then, you stopped calling, stopped texting, and when I called or texted you said  you were busy, and so I gave you your space. 

I said to myself "he's going through something, but I will love him anyway" and then you avoided me some more. You stopped wanting to see me, and I guess you stopped missing me.  I tried to make excuses for why you were too "busy" to see me, "he's working too hard, He's reading too hard, He needs time to be with the boys, He needs time to be with his family" I would tell myself, and when my girlfriends asked me how you were doing, I smiled and said "everything is going just fine" I guess I badly needed to believe that all was well, and so convinced them to convince myself that it was all in my head, and we really were okay...... 

Until I met you with her, you were holding her hand, you were whispering something to her and she was smiling ever so sheepishly, you looked into her eyes, bent over and kissed her forehead for the world to see, and my world came crushing down.
I went back to the day I met you, I know that smile you were giving her, It was the same smile you had on our first date, It was the same smile you had when you said I had changed your life for the better, It was the same smile you had in the car, when you said "I love you to death, and five years from now, I will still love you" 

And so I sit here, eyes welled up in tears, I ask myself, what did I do? where did I go wrong? How could someone who brought me so much happiness now cause me so much pain? "did he want something else, was I not woman enough for you? I sit and worry because I wonder how I will face the world that warned me saying you were no good, because now the world is laughing at me saying "we told her so",  the joke is on me, for choosing to love you beyond your flaws.

"I should have seen it coming", I say to myself, the signs were all there... How did i miss them? The late night calls, the late replies, the un explainable silence, it was all there...But how could I have missed it? Maybe it's because you said you had changed and I believed you, or it was that you always assured me of your love for me. Not anymore, I have cried a river and still no answers, so not anymore. 

I cried so much it cleared my eyes and now I found a new reality, It was never me, It was always you. I gave you the best gift I could have given anyone.....MYSELF.... I gave you all my love, but you didn't want it, you wanted Miriam, Maureen, Tracy and the list goes on. So not anymore.

No it was never me....It was always you. You were the broken one, so how could you love wholly? It never was me.... It was always you. You wanted more and you didn't say it, You wanted something you didn't know how to receive. You wanted to be loved, and yet didn't know how to receive it. It was never me.... It was always you. 
Now as I sit and relive the memories we shared, I see it now. It was clear from the beginning, you were the broken one, and you needed saving, but am no savior. It was never me....it was always you. All I could have done was love you, and love you I did. I gave you all of my love, but you didn't want it. You didn't know how to receive it so I take back my love and learn to love you from a distance.  Yes am taking it back as I must bid you Adieu Mi amor , because it was never me.... It was always you.

XoXo
Tanya Love